They say sadness gives you more inspiration than happiness do. I don’t deny it, most of the times when I’m at my lowest point, writing becomes my escape. And the works that come out of it are usually brutally honest but there’s beauty in it. But I’m trying to write when I’m in my happy or neutral state more often and see if it’ll produce something different.
Most of my works here have been vague situations about my personal life. I don’t explicitly say them but I’m pretty sure readers will get what (or who) I’m talking about. They get a bit depressing, but that’s what I want — I want to be honest here, whether it’s being read by people that knows me in real life or simply a stranger that came across my Medium (thanks for reading!)
While so far it has shown the dark side of my life, I do want to share something that is on a lighter side: my husband.
In the early days of my life, I wasn’t always lucky in love. It was a series of unreciprocated crush or love (perhaps lust?) and it never went anywhere (in reality at least, I had scenarios in my head that I am to embarrassed to retrace now).
So to my surprise, I met a person. We felt a connection, got together, and ended up getting married, all in a span of 10 years. Looking back at it, it’s such a surprise that we’ve made it this far. Did I know that I was going to end up with him? To some degree, maybe. But it wasn’t a smooth sailing journey. In 10 years, we grew individually yet at the same time, together. I would say one of the challenging part was to keep our own identities while in unison agreeing to stay together. We had different goals in our lives and careers, but we wanted to do that while still being in each other’s lives. I guess that believe made us push through the calamities of life and decided to take this vow.
The book I’m currently reading, School of Life by Alain De Botton, mentioned that love is not purely an emotion, it is also a skill. A skill that needs to be taught, refined, and ensure it’s longevity. I come from a childhood that had a complicated relationship with love — be it expressing love, being loved, and eventually, loving oneself. But deep down inside I know that love is an important essence in life and it keeps you going. So I guess back then I taught myself how to love and be loved, and it did not exactly translate well, hence the tragic history of my love life I suppose.
Being with my husband, it is as if I’m starting all over again with that and realizing what it truly means of loving someone and being loved. Now I truly know what it feels like to call someone home — to be vulnerable and not to worry about being judged, to be truly myself. In a way, this relationship also enabled me to train that act of self love I have been struggling to do.
One last thing that I noticed, fun is one of the most important aspects of our relationship. When we can, we always try to make each other laugh no matter how bizarre the joke is. But more than the laughter, I do appreciate the less amount of tears I have had ever since we got married. When they do come, we console one another and ensure that we got each other’s backs. We have always been and will always be a team.
With this writing, I want to express that I truly appreciate my husband for coming into my life, decorating it with his presence, and shielding me from sorrow (even though it is inevitable).
You are the love of my life. I pray that we get to grow old and watch the legacy we’ve left for this Earth, together.
